I entered the BDSM community late. That
is to say, I joined up in my mid-thirties, much later than the
average kinkster. I was certain that this put me at a disadvantage,
that I seemed stupid to my peers and that the amount of “catch-up”
that I had to play would take forever. Two things helped though. For
one, I learned that I was not the only one who had a sexual awakening
and entered the community way past their, so-called, prime. Many
people discover what their fetishes truly are and join the world of
kink later in life, some even as late as retirement. The second thing
was that I had a solid support group who took me under their wings
and guided me. As a result, I like to carry that tradition on and
help new people when I can and that's why I felt an intro to joining
the BDSM community post was in order.
I find that the main things new
people―brand new
people―need to know
comes down to how, what and why. How do you join the community, what
do you do once you're in and why do you have to do things a certain
way? So that's what we're going to go over.
If you want to join your local kink
community, the first thing you need to do is find them. Once upon a
time this involved scouring the back pages of fetish magazines and
newsletters and learning to watch for secret signs and codes.
Fortunately, now we have the internet and finding the BDSM scene in
your area is just a click away. There are a number of sites where you
can search for and connect with others in your area who are serious
and organized. Some websites are more effective. Some are safer. Some
are free and some are not. The pros and cons vary. Just investigate
each of them carefully and find out which one works best for you.
(Most people use Fetlife.com, though it should be said that it's less
secure than other sites. Best method there is to refrain from face
shots and giving too much identifying personal information on your
profile page or in messages with people you don't know. Paid sites
are usually safer as they tend to attract less people who aren't as
serious.)
The next step is to attend a munch.
Munches are public meetings, usually in restaurants or bars where
community reps and new people get to hang out, safely, incognito and
get to know each other. They are vanilla, meaning you leave the kink
clothes and toys at home and keep the freaky talk low enough that you
aren't overheard. They are usually very friendly atmospheres and a
good way to network and learn. It does bare mentioning that they are
not meat markets. So if you think you're just going to show
up, offer your desires and get laid, you'll be super disappointed
(and potentially asked to leave, depending on your behavior). Making
friends at munches can help you get invited to private events and
lead you down the road to becoming genuinely involved.
Before and after the munch, one
thing you have to do is study and learn. The BDSM and kink community
is inundated with rules, etiquette and protocol. For example, one of
the first things I had to learn is not to offer people my hand to
shake. Some people have “no-touch” policies in place, meaning
that they can only make physical contact with others with permission
from their partner or partners. I still forget sometimes, since the
vanilla world's rules are completely the opposite and switching back
and forth is tricky. Other guidelines include making sure that you
address people properly under certain situations, or sometimes, not
all. At the grocery store you may have to ignore good friends, to
pretend like they're strangers, so as not to out them to their family
or co-workers. It's tough, but necessary. None of that even begins to
scratch the surface of the kinds of rules that you have to abide by
once you start to become intimate with someone.
But then, that's another post.
Entering the kink world is exciting and
nerve-racking at the same time. But, if you choose to pursue it, it
will stick with you as a special memory, like your first few weeks of
college. Always try to stay ahead of the game, to investigate and
learn about any situation or scenario before you get into it and keep
trying to become more well-versed in BDSM as you explore. It's one
school that you never fully graduate from. And always be safe.
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