Skip to main content

Fifty Shades of Crap: Why Fifty Shades is a Total Travesty

Members of the BDSM and kink community have their differences. Disagreements and varying definitions (not to mention that, sometimes being kinky is all we have common) frequently cause the type of drama that makes nighttime soap operas seem like Barney and Friends. However, there is one thing most people in the community agree on almost universally. That is--and I want to put this as eloquently as possible--Fifty Shades of Grey sucks big fat donkey balls.

If you're unfamiliar with the books or the community, you may ask, why? There are a variety of reasons. So let's go over them and make them clear. Ready?

First, the writing is just bad, and that's coming from me as a first time writer. Unrealistic characters behaving in ridiculous ways, asinine dialogue and a meaningless plot all converge to form a story more absurd and incomprehensible than a Victoria Jackson stand-up routine. The whole disaster started as, of all things, Twilight fan fiction. After it mysteriously became popular with a reader base who proved that they could, indeed, be even dumber than everyone thought, author (I use the term loosely) E. L. James changed the character names and situations. In the new, independent draft, the stalker-y vampire was now a stalker-y billionaire and the innocent and naive student was now a moronic and bratty student. Truly inspired. The two start a whirlwind romance laced with, not only BDSM, but also distrust, dysfunction and reactionary childishness. Add to all that, the dialogue and descriptions are dumber than a soda pop commercial. I swear, if Anastasia referred to her, "inner goddess," one more time, I was going to find Erika James and slap her dead in the face...and not in a sexy way.

 If all that wasn't bad enough, there's the infantile take on the BDSM lifestyle. Reading the pablum that passes for a novel, it's blatantly obvious that the sum total of James knowledge of the BDSM subculture was acquired after a hasty Wikipedia search. It all but says so in the book, even. It's sad and insulting. Nevermind Anastasia's bratty resistance and incessant nagging of her new lover to let her in. Christian Grey himself is an embarrassment as a Dom. Not only is he a stalker who is unreasonably possessive, just as childish as his youthful, novice sub, unable to effectively negotiate and wildly obsessive, but he's also utterly incapable of doing the single most important thing in a kink relationship, communicating.

But, of course, the worst part of the story, the part that pisses most of the community off, is the way it portrays kinksters. Apparently, we're like this because we are damaged somehow. Be it through abuse or being exposed to inappropriate situations at an early age or whatever, we supposedly like whips and collars and have fetishes because there is something "wrong" with us. The title of the book even comes from a line in the dialogue where Christian explains to Anastasia that he's, "fifty shades of fucked up."

Understandably, kinksters don't like this, any more than the LGBT community appreciates being compared to child molesters. Or maybe it's more like the concept of contracting Bill O'Reilly to write the screenplay for Straight Outta Compton. Whatever the case, it's inaccurate, disrespectful and wrong.

If you haven't struggled through the Fifty Shades series, I'd say, don't bother. Truthfully, I only read them so I could do things like writing this blog post. You can't critique what you don't know. However, if no one expects you to have an opinion on the frustrating, offensive, sloppy mess Erika James slathered all over the pages of her trilogy, you can borrow mine.

Fifty Shades of Grey is weapons grade garbage.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

How to Break a Brat

The definition of a brat, as well as their behavior, vary. Typically they're subs with a rebellious streak. They actively try to frustrate their Doms/Dommes by being uncooperative or defiant, hiding toys, giggling when threatened with punishment or even acting like a bitch. These things naturally still result in punishment., but the pitiful, vulnerable behavior often exhibited by more traditional submissives is absent.

So it should come as no surprise that many Dominants desire to break brats. This can be fun, but it can also be risky. Trying to force someone to bend to your will when they're more determined to resist and test boundaries obviously has the potential to go too far. Its for this reason that any attempts to break a brat be handled extra carefully.

It goes without saying that strict and thorough negotiations beforehand are a must. And both parties should resist the urge to take things too far.

So what are some methods the Dominant can employ in the process of makin…

Personas

I have a sub, Mary. Mary is about as moody as they make them. Some days she is on top of the world, singing, dancing, throwing her arms in the air... On those days I can expect breakfast without asking, cute, little gifts, impromptu floor shows and spontaneous blow jobs. Other days she is hard at work, concentrating on finding that new job that pays better and treats her the way she deserves. Other days, she is sad. On those occasions she curls up at the top of the bed, clutching one of the large stuffed animals I bought her and pouting while she watches some afternoon talk show drivel. On rare nights, she's primal and hungry, practically demanding sex and even willing to try to take it before I put a lease on her collar and force her to her knees. She is a dichotomy.

When I met her, she was cold, unfriendly even. Once I got to know her, I discovered that she ran hotter than most. Mary, like many, has many sides to her. It has been up to me to learn these sides and respond to them…

Neurolinguistic Programing

Greetings, everyone. Been a while. But, after an unfortunate accident followed by some unexpected surgery, I've begun to regain the use of my left hand. I'll spare you all the gory details and just get back to what I'm supposed to be doing here, writing about BDSM and kink.
Neurolinguistic programing, the practice of saying certain things to someone in order to put them in just the right head space for kinky play and elicit the desired responses, is a big part of the lifestyle. I'm sure most of us have experience the thrill that accompanies our partner or partners talking dirty. Well, when you take it a step farther, insisting that certain things be said or done at specific times, it can get even more intense.
Allow me to give you some examples. When my current sub and I first started playing, we negotiated how each of us would be addressed. In most cases, I am, Sir. She begins most sentences and ends many others to me with the title. Unless we are in an extremely van…