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Grown Men Playing With Themselves

I've been slacking on the posts, admittedly. But then I did something that gave me pause and felt a tinge of inspiration. See, my sub is out of town and so I thought some "me time" was in order. For the slow, that means I pulled up some porn on the oh-so-reliable Internet and squeezed out some knuckle children. Once upon a time, it was a sure fire way to insure that I'd feel private, in-touch with myself (no pun intended) and satisfied. Now however...not so much. These days I almost feel let down and even violated. It backs up the old theory I was once told by a college girlfriend that, when it comes to masturbation, women and men do it completely differently. Women, she insisted, make love to themselves. With men, she went on to say, it was more like self rape.

I scoffed at the time. Sure, we tend to see it as more utilitarian, but self rape? That just seemed an over simplification, if not straight up misandrist.

Well, in college I was still young. I'd only been doing it for a while, a decade at most. When I started exploring my own body it was sensual, exciting, overwhelming... Probably why it never took very long. Now however, I'm at the brink of middle age. I am rougher with myself. I do get frustrated when my body won't fully co-operate. It does seem utilitarian, obligatory, and sometimes, a chore. Add to that, I'm often left--even after orgasm--unsatisfied.

So what changed? Am I just growing bored with it? Is the absence of my sexual prime a factor? Have I devolved into a self rapist?

I think, maybe, there's an element of truth to all of it. It certainly feels more like a chore now than it used to. And, speaking as someone who has commanded women to fuck themselves (as opposed to "make love to themselves"), it's never as sexy as when they do it. According to Psychology Today, there have been a variety of studies that indicate that women play with themselves more often when they feel sexy and happy. Men are the opposite, rubbing one out far more regularly if they feel alone, unsatisfied and insecure. More often, men are literally abusing themselves for the negative feelings they have, while women tend more to reward themselves. So, how can men change this?

I suggest it starts with a number of small things. First, we need to turn off the porn. I know that the more I watch, the harder it is for me to get aroused in real life situations. And that has nothing to do with imagination in my opinion. I actually watch it with the sound off so that I can create my own scenarios and I know for a fact I'm not the only man that does (never mind, partners, parents, roommates, etc lurking in adjacent quarters. If nothing else, you don't have to listen to the weird noises the male porn stars seem to mistakenly think are required of them). It helps my mind roam free and I can make the two actors associated with each other and copulating for any reason I see fit. So imagination isn't the problem. More like desensitization. Turn off the naughty pictures and put yourself into a story in your head. You can still think about porn actors if you want. You just do it with less visual aids.

Second, I might point out that women, more often, ritualize the act. It may be as extravagant as candles, music and a hot bath or as simple as breathing deeply. Either way, they tend to put themselves in a head space for it, where as we whip it out, look at or think about tits and ass and go to tugging. Maybe if we were more methodical, calmer, more self respecting, it wouldn't be such an issue.

Finally, I think we, as men, need to distinguish between the types of masturbation we indulge in. Some times you are simply mad at your boss and need to lock yourself in the employee bathroom to beat...someone. It is a thing. It can work. But then, there are other reasons that inspire it. Those can range from being horny to lonely to just plain bored. I might propose that in instances when it isn't just a quick jerk to vent some ugly feelings, we learn to do as women do and make a moment of it, to prepare our environments, calm our temperaments and engage our minds. We don't necessarily need a bubble bath and flamenco guitar playing, but we could stand to do things like bathe so we don't have to smell our own B.O., tidy the room, put on some comfy clothes and turn off the TV...provided we're not yanking it because Jennifer Lawrence is on Colbert that night.

In short, men, I think if we rethink how we gratify ourselves behind closed doors, we may not only find better, more satisfying ways to do it, we may find better ways to satisfy our partners and more satisfaction out in the world with our dicks still in our pants.

Food for thought.


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