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Humiliation Play

Humiliation, the removal of one's dignity and self-respect, is common practice in the world of BDSM, however it gets discussed far less than things like impact play or bondage. While tying someone up and wailing on them is certainly one way to display dominance, few things can put a willing sub into a headspace quicker than making them feel degraded and worthless. A simple, "slut," uttered with a tone of authority and disrespect can work wonders for making your sub, well, submit.

I remember early in my relationship with my current sub, introducing her to this type of play. I had her hands cuffed behind her back and a sturdy collar around her neck. I was touching her and she reflexively said that she liked it. I suddenly grabbed her by the collar and told of her, "I didn't ask for your fucking opinion, did I?" She whimpered out, "No, Sir." I then spit in her face.

Suddenly, her expression and demeanor took a noticeable turn. She became completely silent, save her breathing, which increased in intensity. Even though we'd negotiated limits on harsh language and degrading actions, which she'd given the green light to, her reaction was so extreme, I became concerned and reminded her of her safeword.

"Yes, Sir," was her only response.

Later, when I was holding her and comforting her, she explained to me that her reaction had been surprise. Not of what I had said or done, but that she liked it so much. She was confused as to why. That's when I explained that there are many ways to hurt someone. A slap in the face hurts. So do words. So does being devalued.

A big part of submission is usually being instilled with the feeling that one is less than, not to mention, vulnerable. For her being treated like she was just something to fuck stung, much the same way a spanking did. This triggered the same part of her brain that physical pain did, frightening her a little and causing a pleasurable adrenaline rush. To some extent, it's the same reason we watch horror movies.

When someone is--consensually, mind you--being humiliated, talked down to, slapped, treated as lesser and undo of respect by another, that seems like it should be all bad, logically. However, remember that that also means the Dominant is paying close attention to the sub. Even if all they're doing is intentionally ignoring them, all of their energy is devoted to giving the sub a thrill. So, while they're being humiliated, they're also, in a sense, being rewarded.

There is also an element of exhibitionism to it. The sub is on display, at the Dom's mercy and "exposed," in a way, as, say for example, a "slut." Not that a sub should ever be intentionally outed or have their kinks told to just anyone in order to humiliate them. Without consent, a Dom shouldn't even tell, even a fellow kinkster, "Yes, my little slut just adores being come on. She loves it all over her face, in her mouth, in her hair and everywhere else." So, pick your moments and make sure everyone is on the same page.

There's an excellent section in Sophie Morgan's book Diary of a Submissive. Many of you know that it's my favorite BDSM book. One reason is a scene in which her Dom forces her to lick and suck his feet in a bid for being allowed to orgasm. Morgan's description of the whole process is so incredibly agonizing that it outshines all of the scenesof her being whipped, paddled and forcibly face-fucked. It wasn't something meant to give her Dom physical pleasure or even cause her physical pain. It was meant to control her and push her down even farther than her knees could take her. And while she describes it as a horrible experience that she enjoyed on no level what-so-ever, she also added it to the book in a way that suggests that, while not caring to have feet in her mouth, the subjugation in being forced to do it, the humiliation involved, was a genuine pleasure.

All that being said, it's not for everyone. Pretending for a moment that there's anything remotely redeemable or realistic about the horrible 50 Shades thing, Anastasia got off on the spankings, restraints and risque situations. When Christian did, or suggested, anything that might make her feel "less than," she reacted very negatively. A a sub like that might even be traumatized by it. So, if you're new to humiliation play, tread lightly and negotiate thoroughly. Also, study. Dom's Guide to BDSM Vol. 3 by Matthew Larocco has a decent section on it.

One Domme I knew constantly referred to her sub during play as, "pig." She publicly locked him in cages and verbally tormented him, as well as making him snort and squeal. He really claimed to get off on it.

Conversely, my former mentor's former sub, Tinkerbrat,  was usually fine with humiliation in private. In public however...she was not down at all. In fact, her reaction was usually extreme and unpleasant.

I guess what I'm saying is, even if you become skilled at humiliation play, you still need to know when to use it and when not to. That comes from communication and learning to read your partner. ...And that's something else to remember, 24-7 or not, you sub/slave is still your partner and at the end of the day they deserve the respect you hide behind all those nasty comments and debasing commands.

Play safe.



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