Skip to main content

Humiliation Play

Humiliation, the removal of one's dignity and self-respect, is common practice in the world of BDSM, however it gets discussed far less than things like impact play or bondage. While tying someone up and wailing on them is certainly one way to display dominance, few things can put a willing sub into a headspace quicker than making them feel degraded and worthless. A simple, "slut," uttered with a tone of authority and disrespect can work wonders for making your sub, well, submit.

I remember early in my relationship with my current sub, introducing her to this type of play. I had her hands cuffed behind her back and a sturdy collar around her neck. I was touching her and she reflexively said that she liked it. I suddenly grabbed her by the collar and told of her, "I didn't ask for your fucking opinion, did I?" She whimpered out, "No, Sir." I then spit in her face.

Suddenly, her expression and demeanor took a noticeable turn. She became completely silent, save her breathing, which increased in intensity. Even though we'd negotiated limits on harsh language and degrading actions, which she'd given the green light to, her reaction was so extreme, I became concerned and reminded her of her safeword.

"Yes, Sir," was her only response.

Later, when I was holding her and comforting her, she explained to me that her reaction had been surprise. Not of what I had said or done, but that she liked it so much. She was confused as to why. That's when I explained that there are many ways to hurt someone. A slap in the face hurts. So do words. So does being devalued.

A big part of submission is usually being instilled with the feeling that one is less than, not to mention, vulnerable. For her being treated like she was just something to fuck stung, much the same way a spanking did. This triggered the same part of her brain that physical pain did, frightening her a little and causing a pleasurable adrenaline rush. To some extent, it's the same reason we watch horror movies.

When someone is--consensually, mind you--being humiliated, talked down to, slapped, treated as lesser and undo of respect by another, that seems like it should be all bad, logically. However, remember that that also means the Dominant is paying close attention to the sub. Even if all they're doing is intentionally ignoring them, all of their energy is devoted to giving the sub a thrill. So, while they're being humiliated, they're also, in a sense, being rewarded.

There is also an element of exhibitionism to it. The sub is on display, at the Dom's mercy and "exposed," in a way, as, say for example, a "slut." Not that a sub should ever be intentionally outed or have their kinks told to just anyone in order to humiliate them. Without consent, a Dom shouldn't even tell, even a fellow kinkster, "Yes, my little slut just adores being come on. She loves it all over her face, in her mouth, in her hair and everywhere else." So, pick your moments and make sure everyone is on the same page.

There's an excellent section in Sophie Morgan's book Diary of a Submissive. Many of you know that it's my favorite BDSM book. One reason is a scene in which her Dom forces her to lick and suck his feet in a bid for being allowed to orgasm. Morgan's description of the whole process is so incredibly agonizing that it outshines all of the scenesof her being whipped, paddled and forcibly face-fucked. It wasn't something meant to give her Dom physical pleasure or even cause her physical pain. It was meant to control her and push her down even farther than her knees could take her. And while she describes it as a horrible experience that she enjoyed on no level what-so-ever, she also added it to the book in a way that suggests that, while not caring to have feet in her mouth, the subjugation in being forced to do it, the humiliation involved, was a genuine pleasure.

All that being said, it's not for everyone. Pretending for a moment that there's anything remotely redeemable or realistic about the horrible 50 Shades thing, Anastasia got off on the spankings, restraints and risque situations. When Christian did, or suggested, anything that might make her feel "less than," she reacted very negatively. A a sub like that might even be traumatized by it. So, if you're new to humiliation play, tread lightly and negotiate thoroughly. Also, study. Dom's Guide to BDSM Vol. 3 by Matthew Larocco has a decent section on it.

One Domme I knew constantly referred to her sub during play as, "pig." She publicly locked him in cages and verbally tormented him, as well as making him snort and squeal. He really claimed to get off on it.

Conversely, my former mentor's former sub, Tinkerbrat,  was usually fine with humiliation in private. In public however...she was not down at all. In fact, her reaction was usually extreme and unpleasant.

I guess what I'm saying is, even if you become skilled at humiliation play, you still need to know when to use it and when not to. That comes from communication and learning to read your partner. ...And that's something else to remember, 24-7 or not, you sub/slave is still your partner and at the end of the day they deserve the respect you hide behind all those nasty comments and debasing commands.

Play safe.



Popular posts from this blog

How to Break a Brat

The definition of a brat, as well as their behavior, vary. Typically they're subs with a rebellious streak. They actively try to frustrate their Doms/Dommes by being uncooperative or defiant, hiding toys, giggling when threatened with punishment or even acting like a bitch. These things naturally still result in punishment., but the pitiful, vulnerable behavior often exhibited by more traditional submissives is absent.

So it should come as no surprise that many Dominants desire to break brats. This can be fun, but it can also be risky. Trying to force someone to bend to your will when they're more determined to resist and test boundaries obviously has the potential to go too far. Its for this reason that any attempts to break a brat be handled extra carefully.

It goes without saying that strict and thorough negotiations beforehand are a must. And both parties should resist the urge to take things too far.

So what are some methods the Dominant can employ in the process of makin…


I have a sub, Mary. Mary is about as moody as they make them. Some days she is on top of the world, singing, dancing, throwing her arms in the air... On those days I can expect breakfast without asking, cute, little gifts, impromptu floor shows and spontaneous blow jobs. Other days she is hard at work, concentrating on finding that new job that pays better and treats her the way she deserves. Other days, she is sad. On those occasions she curls up at the top of the bed, clutching one of the large stuffed animals I bought her and pouting while she watches some afternoon talk show drivel. On rare nights, she's primal and hungry, practically demanding sex and even willing to try to take it before I put a lease on her collar and force her to her knees. She is a dichotomy.

When I met her, she was cold, unfriendly even. Once I got to know her, I discovered that she ran hotter than most. Mary, like many, has many sides to her. It has been up to me to learn these sides and respond to them…

Neurolinguistic Programing

Greetings, everyone. Been a while. But, after an unfortunate accident followed by some unexpected surgery, I've begun to regain the use of my left hand. I'll spare you all the gory details and just get back to what I'm supposed to be doing here, writing about BDSM and kink.
Neurolinguistic programing, the practice of saying certain things to someone in order to put them in just the right head space for kinky play and elicit the desired responses, is a big part of the lifestyle. I'm sure most of us have experience the thrill that accompanies our partner or partners talking dirty. Well, when you take it a step farther, insisting that certain things be said or done at specific times, it can get even more intense.
Allow me to give you some examples. When my current sub and I first started playing, we negotiated how each of us would be addressed. In most cases, I am, Sir. She begins most sentences and ends many others to me with the title. Unless we are in an extremely van…