Skip to main content


Well, it's been a while. But, in my defense, part of that was because I have been working on the sequel to Ignite35 (another part is because I've been undermined by some highly unethical people, but that's a post for another day). Anyway. I need to get my head back in the game and since I have a brief break, now seems like a good time.

So, I need a topic, one I haven't explored before that's not too complicated. After quick and desperate contemplation, I did come up with something, headspace.

For those ignorant of the idea, I'll break it down real quick. When you're in an experience that you are resisting or surrendering to, one that is fun or even unpleasant, one that is not designed to warp your reality, one where you just do what most people refer to as coping, you can enter what is called a headspace. It can come over you unexpectedly, whether it's getting through a work day, dinner with racist relatives or getting lost in the city, any time you're in an extreme or unusual experience that you are looking to deal with, even a fun one like a haunted house or drinking too much on the boardwalk, headspace can occur. BDSM is no different, and in fact, it is the desired goal. People who are playing are often looking to get into that mental realm where things seem altered. It can be a pleasurable, euphoric state, most often associated with subs or slaves who lose themselves in their pain and submission. However, it can happen to Doms/Dommes too.

The idea, especially with subs and slaves, is that they are entering into a mindset that is so dramatic that all the pain and shock they are experiencing removes them from reality and gives them a rush not unlike drugs can give. It is a sort of transcendental, removed state. Their endorphins and adrenalin kick in to the point that they are almost giddy. I've seen it many times. The eyes glaze over, the speech becomes word salad and no amount of pain is going to solicit a safeword. They are content in a way others outside of the experience can't comprehend.

It happens with Doms/Dommes too, though it's a tad different. Those people, basically turn into the Joker from the Dark Knight. Their worst instincts get a roll of the dice and they get to feel that every inclination toward chaos is validated. They get to play the bad guy. And especially since the overwhelming majority of the good Doms/Dommes are actually good people...they get to live as "agents of chaos" for a bit and let their inner demons loose.

The problem becomes...well, two things. If you're not skilled and experienced, you may not realize that this is a temporary thing, like a high that will eventually wear off. The other thing is that some folks might not get that it is something only for select occasions. We've talked about frenzy and after care. But we haven't stated that the you that is in those scenes, either top or bottom, is not really you.

We all have lives and once the high wears off, we have to return to them. In addition, once any of us are in that headspace, our play partners, and even anyone in our periphery, must understand that that is not us. We are, in fact, method acting in a way that even Dustin Hoffman couldn't achieve. We are literally not ourselves. I mean...we are...a part of ourselves...a dark, hidden part. But we're not. Headspace can make us lightheaded and unreasonable and it will take significant aftercare to adjust it.

I have watched subs get so far into it that their eyes didn't face the same way. I have seen Doms/Dommes lose themselves in a scene to the point of becoming slightly dangerous. I have watched my old sub lose the ability to complete a sentence and all I did was tie her and blindfold her. I know for a fact she tried to get others to recreate the same thing with her and they failed. She was chasing that high. I just happened to know how to set the scene to get her there and that rope and a blindfold was not enough. I knew how to act. She was still chasing that high though, because she didn't realize that there was more to it than tying her up. I talked to her very specifically and put her in a headspace.

You have to paint a picture for someone, describe their situation in a way a novelist might. You have to put their mind in a place that makes them feel venerable and scared. For the Doms/Dommes, they...have to be in in a place that makes them vulnerable and scared of themselves...and also gives them power. We dominants are the super villains of the BDSM world. As well as the care takers. It's all in our headspace.

I guess what I'm saying is that you should recognize that it's a thing. You should know that it really is a natural drug and that, not only can it become addictive. you may not always know how to make it happen or how to deal with it when it does. You may not see that it's addictive, too.

If you ever feel yourself curbing towards it, try and understand it and don't treat it lightly. Worst case scenario, get some counseling so you can come to terms with it. I say this because, if you don't understand it, it can end up hurting you. It can become a drug unlike anything on the street. AND you can crash and fall apart. Suicidal tendencies are only the smallest part of it. You can hurt your loved ones. You can hurt yourself. You can make drastic decisions like quitting your job and just become an all-around basket case.

However, if you do learn to understand it and manage can find ways of getting everything you want. Think of it like LSD. If you really know what's on that piece of paper and you're around people you genuinely trust AND you have your head straight going in, you could have one of the most amazing experiences of your life. If not...well. God help you.


Popular posts from this blog

How to Break a Brat

The definition of a brat, as well as their behavior, vary. Typically they're subs with a rebellious streak. They actively try to frustrate their Doms/Dommes by being uncooperative or defiant, hiding toys, giggling when threatened with punishment or even acting like a bitch. These things naturally still result in punishment., but the pitiful, vulnerable behavior often exhibited by more traditional submissives is absent.

So it should come as no surprise that many Dominants desire to break brats. This can be fun, but it can also be risky. Trying to force someone to bend to your will when they're more determined to resist and test boundaries obviously has the potential to go too far. Its for this reason that any attempts to break a brat be handled extra carefully.

It goes without saying that strict and thorough negotiations beforehand are a must. And both parties should resist the urge to take things too far.

So what are some methods the Dominant can employ in the process of makin…


I have a sub, Mary. Mary is about as moody as they make them. Some days she is on top of the world, singing, dancing, throwing her arms in the air... On those days I can expect breakfast without asking, cute, little gifts, impromptu floor shows and spontaneous blow jobs. Other days she is hard at work, concentrating on finding that new job that pays better and treats her the way she deserves. Other days, she is sad. On those occasions she curls up at the top of the bed, clutching one of the large stuffed animals I bought her and pouting while she watches some afternoon talk show drivel. On rare nights, she's primal and hungry, practically demanding sex and even willing to try to take it before I put a lease on her collar and force her to her knees. She is a dichotomy.

When I met her, she was cold, unfriendly even. Once I got to know her, I discovered that she ran hotter than most. Mary, like many, has many sides to her. It has been up to me to learn these sides and respond to them…

Marketing Smut

I was going to post this yesterday, but I felt it might bring everybody down a little and I didn't want to do that on Christmas. So, you get it today. It's a slightly different post, as it has little or nothing to do with kink or BDSM. Today I want to talk about writing. Or more specifically, I want to talk about marketing what you've written.

If the past year as an independent author has taught me anything it's that it is a lot harder to sell books than people think. I figured I'd have it slightly easier due to my subject matter. I mean, the book is called Ignite35: My Life in the Sex Fetish Community, for crying out loud. Getting people curious about it should be a piece of cake, right?

Apparently not. I have solicited reviews for the book that were promised, but never appeared. I have bought ad space on websites devoted to books. I have given away copies, both as prizes and in the hopes that the person receiving it might be interested in helping get it out there…